Tag: cult film

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Visual White Noise Theater: Hate dem’ fancy “Cabin Boy”s(1994)

I remember as a kid loving Chris Elliot’s TV show “Get A Life” about a thirty something year old that still lives with his parents and has a job delivering papers, all his friends were between the ages of nine and thirteen years old (hey that sounds familiar, Chris was a prophet!), it screams “Pedo” and jokes were made in that direction. The humor in the show was absurd, offensive, off the wall, non sequiturs, crazy, stupid, juvenile etc. and it lasted only two seasons. My parents and mom in particular knew him from the David Letterman show, that and his two season show got him a movie that Tim Burton was supposed to direct but ended up producing because Tim wanted to direct “Ed Wood” instead, he was a big fan of Chris’ humor. “Cabin Boy” was all the things I mentioned above, I laughed at the movie and loved it, my dad called it “a crock of shit” and my mom wasn’t impressed with it when we rented it from our local family owned video rental business. Now years later I wanted to see if it still made me laugh or at least gave me chuckles, I’d forgotten almost everything about it except David Letterman as the the sailor/sock monkey salesman that says “I hate dem fancy boys!” Well I watched it and not only did I laugh, my jaw fell to the floor. Elliot and his co writer/director Adam Resnick, who also was a writer for David Letterman were way way WAY ahead of their time, Tim and Eric and Adult Swim owe Chris and Adam.

When Tim left to direct “Ed Wood” they didn’t know who to get to direct. Tim mentioned that Adam should direct it and they were off and running. Well more like jogging, when Buena Vista pictures found out Tim was leaving they cut their budget in half. When Adam and Tim wrote the script they kept in mind Burton’s penchant for weirdness, so they wrote a lot of special effects related things for the script. In fact, if they’d known Tim wasn’t gonna direct they were gonna leave a lot of the weird stuff on the floor which makes no sense at all because Chris’ humor is bizarre and it annoys some people.

The “Cabin Boy” is Nathaniel Mayweather who goes to “Fancy Boys Finishing School” where he wears a wig, is an obnoxious, stuck up, is an ass to his teachers and fellow students and he is also a virgin (a lot like his character in “Get A Life”). When he graduates his dad, played by Chris’ real life comedian dad, Bob Elliot, wants him to take over the hotel chain they own in Hawaii after he graduates, he is given tickets to board a luxury cruiser, the Queen Catherine, after being thrown out by the annoyed limo driver who was supposed to take him to the cruise ship, Nate takes a wrong turn into the wrong shipping village where David Letterman, the sailor/sock monkey salesman sends him to the boat, The Filthy Whore, instead.

Nathaniel thinking the Filthy Whore is one of those “theme boats” encounters Kenny (played by Andy Richter) who is the retarded Cabin Boy, he lets Nate on the boat while the other sailors aren’t on it because Nate says the captain said it was OK, he falls asleep and soon is awakened by the crew all played by curmudgeons who play crusty old men and villains in other movies, these four guys make this movie, Chris is still funny but these guys had me cracking up through the whole thing. Captain Greybar (yeah this movie is immature, played by Ritch Brinkley), Skunk (Brian Doyle-Murray, Bill’s brother and Noah from “Wayne’s World”), Big Teddy (played by Brion James who you’ve seen as a villain in tons of 1980’s-1990’s movies and TV shows) and Paps (played by James Gammon, the coach from “Major League”). Nate tries to convince them to go to Hawaii they laugh in his face. Nate fools Kenny into steering the ship towards Hawaii while the crew is asleep.

They run into a violent storm, evil clouds blow the ship around and Kenny falls into the water and drowns, they make Nate the new Cabin Boy and he has to do degrading things and clean the ship. It turns out that the ship got blown into a type of Bermuda Triangle called “Hell’s Bucket” in this place they encounter a lot of weird stuff, a half man, half shark creature called Chalky (played by Russ Tamblyn who is known as Dr. Jacobi in “Twin Peaks”), a girl who is trying to swim the Pacific Ocean, gets caught in Nate’s net and he falls in love with her and she has no interest in him, a frost giant, a giant cupcake that spits tabacco, the blue skinned, many armed Hindu goddess Kali who “cleans pipes” (I am not giving that one away folks) and her possessive, pissed off giant Housewares Salesman husband named Mulligan (played by Mike Starr).

I am not giving away the whole store, your gonna have to go shopping. It will be a very weird store indeed, the production company for “Cabin Boy” was Skellington Productions, which is Tim Burton and Henry Selick’s (who directed “James and the Giant Peach” and “Nightmare Before Christmas”) studio, so all the weird creatures and sets were made there, all of them practical, no fucking CGI, thank the B movie gods. This whole movie has got a “Tim Burton” vibe to it if he made more light hearted fair, it also reminds me of Terry Gilliam’s absurdist movies.

So this movie came out and…A bombed whole cities, pulverized them to radioactive dust. Critics (most of them I fucking hate, like Siskel and Ebert) shit all over this movie, it was a huge embarrassment at the time for everybody involved. Chris and Adam had stated for the longest time their careers were in shambles. But in 1994 I was a junior high kid loved this movie and didn’t care what some four eyed, pencil neck geek said about it and still feel the same way years later.

Like all things ahead of their time “Cabin Boy” garnered a cult following, people rewatched it and quoted lines from it like “Hate Dem Fancy Boys!” And most famous of all “My pipes…are…CLEAN!!!” Chris and Adam are surprised by the newfound fame of their movie that embarrassed them and now they have a fondness for it and speak at screenings. Watch this movie and tell me that most of the stuff on “Adult Swim” and “The Mighty Boosh” owe a debt of gratitude to “Cabin Boy”.

So where do get on the right ship and get on the right stream? Well its gonna cost you a ticket, sorry guys don’t feel good about posting this movie on my bitchute channel, don’t want to get busted: https://www.amazon.com/Cabin-Boy-Chris-Elliott/dp/B004YSDSV2

However, there will be certain “pirates” in the “bay” that will take you to your destination free of charge, just make sure that ship has a VPN cloaking device if you get my drift. *wink*wink*

This is must have visual noise, but a little “Cabin Boy” in your life (that came out sounding creepy.)

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Short (S)hit list: Welcome to “Futuropolis” 1984

Space is certainly the place. Animated space you can live in, you’ll fly in cartoon space ships, eat cartoon hotdogs, everyone of your movements will be herky jerky and you will get turned into kitsch, retro toys by villains with aluminum helmets. If all this sounds appealing to you than you will like…

Smashing animation against live action like a really violent car wreck, this 38 minute short film will snap your spine and make whatever brains you have in your head bloodily leak out of your ears.

“Futuropolis” is a short film I repeat view numerous times, its in its own, whacky, low budget world. I can tell that the creators were paying homage to and making a parody of the 1930’s serials like “Flash Gordon” and “Buck Rogers”. With what budget they had they designed an impressive space opera adventure. The theme song is pretty catchy with the common refrain “Fly Rangers Fly” and looking at the credits they also wrote all the tunes for this movie.

Alot of the effects in “Futuropolis” remind me of a lot of the special effects laden videos on 1980’s MTV, herky jerky live action actors pasted onto some form of animation. Some films I wish would be shorter and they’d have more power but this one I wish was longer. I wanted more exploration into this universe, sadly there is no “Futuropolis 2”.

The Space Cadets (take of that what you will) are Spud, Lieutenant Luna, Cosmo and Captain Garth, they are sent to find out why there is violent mutations of various species on different planets. The source of the mutations is Professor Egghead, a guy who looks like a reject from the band Devo, he has a silver helmet and has a machine that mutates people into animated gaseous clouds or retro toys. Yeah this thing is insane and stuff like this makes me very happy, don’t expect logic out of this short because if you do you’ll be disappointed.

Not only do you get cartoon food, cartoon alien villains, cartoon guns, cartoon saws etc. you also get cartoon farting alien dinosaurs. Go back and read that, yes you read that right, anyways, info on this short is very scant it was directed by Phil Trumbo and Steve Segal (no not the “acting like a stone in every movie he is in” Segal, a different one) Segal also plays Mutcho, one of Professor Egghead’s henchmen. Segal also did the special effects for the end part on a Commodore 64!

The directors of “Futuropolis” went on to work on “Pee Wee’s Playhouse” which makes a lot of sense they go from this short film to that show. This would be something Pee Wee would watch, do his weird pedo chuckle and clap his man boy hands. Steve even worked on “Toy Story”. Apparently this was shot over 9 (!) years in a basement under the Broad Street Station that is now the Science Museum of Virginia.

I can’t tell that this was shot over 9 years, the actors don’t look like they aged at all in 9 years. The dialogue is badly synced, like this could’ve been a foreign movie brought over and dubbed over with bad, stale English. I think that was the effect they were going for.

So do you want to board this animated rocket and shoot into animated outer space? Well you are in luck you can do it here: https://www.bitchute.com/video/Rf3sTLEwc4yM/

If you want to get on a actual flying saucer, your gonna have to get a fake one because there is no official release of this in dvd, you can get it here: https://dvdlady.com/dvd/futuropolis-1984-starring-tom-campagnoli-on-dvd/

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White Noise Theater: Only perverted scum watch “Marquis” (1989)

If this movie did not have actors in animatronic masks and stop motion sequences I would’ve not even recommended this thing at all. To me it would’ve been a medium temperature, racy, borderline S and M film but what took a mediocre script from “meh” to “FUCK YEAH”was the animal animatronic masks and stop motion sequences. This is just weird and messed up which means you need to see it.  God damn the French are weird (in a good way).

This being a very loosely based story on the Marquis De Sade and his imprisonment in the Bastille, your gonna get a lot of messed up sex stuff. Marquis’ penis talks to him and he constantly argues with it, he fights his smaller head with his bigger head sometimes he succeeds sometimes he doesn’t which is saying a lot, most men, myself included, let the little guy downstairs make their decisions for them, especially when they are younger which normally leads to disaster.

Your gonna get S and M sequences with people in animal masks, whipping, a man in a pig mask cutting off his own leg, a rat masked man torturing a cow faced maid by milking her, whipping, walls having orgasms…your saying “Wait? Did I read that right?” Yes you fucking did and that is something I thought I’d never ever type.

The story is a mix of things, De Sade in the Bastille, revolutionaries wanting to blow the Bastille up, the authorities trying to blame Marquis for impregnating the girl King Louis raped, a French Revolutionary horse faced woman with a hot body who whips and tortures the rooster faced warden which he gets pleasure out of and the warden gives up info on guard movements in the prison etc.  Not to mention there is stop motion claymation scenes in between, when Marquis tells one of his perverted stories, and when he has a dream.

CGI RANT ALERT! Its nice to see a movie that uses ACTUAL FUCKING PRACTICAL EFFECTS. There I said it and will continue to say it. I love foam rubber, latex, corn syrup blood etc. Any movie that has those elements overwhelmingly present goes in the good book, this movie is in my good book. “Marquis” is something you can’t miss, delectable white noise that will stroke that weird nerve so hard you’ll mentally cum.

“Marquis” was a project for cartoonist Roland Topor who did production design for the French cult animated film “Fantastic Planet” which I also will review sometime down the road, well that road is long, and its gonna be way, way, WAY down the road. Two of the characters, Juilette and Justine are named after two characters from De Sade’s books. This movie might piss some people off no doubt, its almost more creepier and perverted that people in animal masks acted this out as opposed to just straight up people. If you get nightmares easy don’t watch “Marquis” but if you want to be wonderfully disturbed then “Marquis” should be putting you on the rack, my friend.

So where do you want to be whipped? Well if you want it right in the eyes right now go to: https://www.bitchute.com/video/ncNofwsSfkIZ/

If you want it hard and physical jump on over to the “Trash Palace” great site run by my buddy Brian, he has alot of movies you won’t find anywhere else hit him up here he’s got DVD copies of  “Marquis” just scroll down: https://www.trashpalace.com/collectorsmovies/erotica2.htm

A cool slide show of how they put the masks together for this movie, cool stuff: http://www.moviemakeups.com/title/2h/Marquis%201989/1s/penis.html

 

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White Noise Theater: “Debbie Does Damnation” (1999) and I wish she would do me…

The spice of life: nude strippers, stop motion demons, buckets of fake blood and washed up B movie actors. Makes me weak in the knees so here you got “Debbie Does Damnation” by Eric Brummer, its pretty much an hour long version of his short “Joanna Died and Went to Hell”. Shot on Super 8 and in black and white, the scum and sleaziness just drips out of the screen. Its low budget, its stupid, its offensive and I love it.

So the plot, well, the sound is really shitty on the version I have but from what I could gather, the Devil had his head cut off by two of his lieutenants whom he taught his secrets to, then they betray him and detach his horns which gave him his power, each one has a horn. The Devil needs an uncorrupted soul to get his horns back and Debbie is that uncorrupted soul. One chick is tested out and found wanting, oh and all the souls in hell are naked. If you are found wanting you are eaten by a stop motion, demonic reptile.

Nude chicks with swords, I am sold. Stop motion monsters. SOLD! SOLD! SOLD! So at first the devil despairs of finding the right soul until Debbie shows up, at first her guardian angel tries to keep her from falling into hell but her sins are pulling her down. This cuts from live actors to Barbie dolls, one doll has  wings carrying one without. The one without wings who is Debbie falls into hell and the devil’s emissary, a skull spider, leads her to the Devil’s head who gives his instructions and tells her he’ll let her leave hell if she gets his horns. She agrees.

“Debbie Does Damnation” has naked women running all over the place. Fine with me, an hour long tent pole is what this movie will give you. One of the producers is Slain Wayne, a porn producer and director, according to Eric, there is a rare X rated version where Slain put in hardcore close up shots. Looked all over for that one and it seems to be so rare it is nowhere. One of the lieutenants in the movie is played by B movie veteran William Smith who you’ve seen in everything, there is a huge ass battle near the end of the movie to get the devil’s horns, each lieutenant wants the other’s horn to have ultimate power. Yeah I know, pretty retarded but what do you expect from a movie called “Debbie Does Damnation?”

You want to know the ending to “Debbie Does Damnation”? Fuck up a tree and watch it for yourself down below, eat out that link. Give it an orgasm. When I first wrote my post on Eric Brummer’s insane shorts “Electric Flesh” and “Joanna Died and Went to Hell” which “Debbie Does Damnation” is an hour long version of, I had barely any info on Eric. The few points I could find were scattered here and there, that Eric went on to direct porn, which seemed like a natural evolution from this movie. But there was a “making of” that gave a shit load of info on this movie and Eric’s creative process.

Eric says he made this movie for less than 1,000 dollars, which is hard to believe, it seems chicks would want to be paid to run around nude and I mean paid good. I am just wondering how Eric got these women out of their underwear, not to mention he got William Smith, a B movie character actor in his film and I don’t think even somebody like Bill Smith would take peanuts. Maybe he meant it took under 1000 bucks to make the sets and film it, he says that he made his bricks and stones out of cardboard and paper mache, and the armor out of linoleum. He said that this was his last film on Super 8 and that he wanted to go out with a bang, he wanted the movie to cross the line and be super offensive, he also wanted it to be weird and different. He succeeded at the weird and different thing, part of that was the stop motion cut in with the live action, he said he liked the stop motion sequences the best because he was in complete control, and could take his time, he said its harder dealing with live actors who have schedules, gripes, problems etc. He said he lost interest near the end because he was going through a bad break up at the time, it didn’t show, this thing kept my interest through the whole thing.

 

You also get a lot of dumb dialogue, like this bit between the two lieutenants when their sword fighting each other “C’mon Jean Claude Van Damme Homo!” Speaking of dialogue, through the whole thing, the dialogue doesn’t sink up with the lips. Brummer claims this is on purpose or maybe its because Brummer is making excuses and had little money, he couldn’t go back and fix the dialogue situation. Nonetheless, an hour is a perfect running time for this movie, if it would’ve went any longer it would’ve dragged, another half n’ hour would’ve been way too long. One hour is short and sweet, this was Brummer’s swan song before he started his descent in to the wet Poon Tang rabbit hole. What a way to go!!!

So here is the sweet spot, play with it and finger it a bit (plus you get the “making of” at the end: https://www.bitchute.com/video/uP9xLT5QpFmE/

My posts on Eric’s two short films, they are must sees: https://www.noisepuncher.net/2020/12/11/short-shit-list-double-feature-electric-flesh-and-joanna-died-and-went-hell-1996-what-a-brummer/

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Visual White Noise Theater: Its “Baron Against the Demons” (2006) tonight, folks!!!

Its always refreshing for me to see practical effects, I know when it comes to movies I sound like a broken record but I can’t stress enough how much I hate CGI over saturation, unless your doing a straight CGI animated movie, if I see your movie has too much CGI there goes my popcorn at the screen and there I am walking out the door. Now when a movie comes along and uses 50/50 practical/CGI or better yet mostly practical (I know CGI can’t really be avoided, my ideal modern movie would be one that uses practical and optical effects through the whole thing). “Baron Against the Demons” is one of those 50/50 movies that is low budget, uses practical and green screen effects. Its a “Heavy Metal” comic strip brought to life and “Heavy Metal” also had a majority of European artists working for it, “Baron Against the Demons” is from Spain, and its unlike anything I’ve seen. Its jaw dropping: scantily clad women, spurting blood, a maniac sword wielding albino, foam rubber puppets, and Catholic fanatics in space. Uh yes tickle that white noise funny bone.

“Baron Against the Demons” was written by Ricarod Ribelle and is a expansion of a short film he did “Exocorio Deus Machine: La Mision”. When watching the movie its kind of hard to figure out the plot, the thing is a bit of a mess, visually its jaw dropping, for a low budget b movie they do get the best for what little money they had. I guess back in the mid to early 2000’s it was still kind of cheaper to use practical effects. From what I gather this takes place at the end of the 21st when demons either from outer space or hell have taken over the world.

A Catholic religious organization called “Exocorio Deus Machine” fight them to gain back control of the earth. The Baron is an fanatical, albino whirlwind of righteous violence, one of the new Crusade’s best warriors, he gets taken prisoner by a witch queen named “Lady Pervertum” she has sex with the Baron unwillingly and tortures him until he gives up his semen to inseminate the Ragnarok beast to breath into existence the anti Christ. This movie is a Gwar concert and a Heavy Metal comic strip rolled up in one.

The creatures and costumes are really Tokusatsu like, this seems like a “Power Rangers” for adults. The funny thing is, the only real nudity shown in the movie is the sex slaves carrying mutant babies and all those sex slaves are big titted foam rubber chicks in leather S and M get ups. In fact “Baron Against the Demons” plays on the pleasure/pain thing a lot throughout the movie. Also there is clown androids who laugh constantly and work for Lady Pervertum, the androids start to evolve, becoming religious, burying each other and worshiping the Baron as their messiah. Yeah this fucking movie is insane.

The Baron is bad ass, after being shot at, beaten, and tortured he still fights like a banshee not caring if he literally bleeds to death until all evil is exterminated off the face of the earth. He is a fanatical Catholic neo crusader but he finds out that there is much more going on with himself than just serving his Catholic war organization. Maybe its a language barrier but again this movie is all over the place, there is so many different elements, creatures and characters just thrown in a huge blender. Depending on what your tastes are like this movie will be the best thing you ever tasted (me) or you’ll spit it out and rinse your mouth out with salt water.

In “Baron Against the Demons” Satan shows up as a giant, red eyed worm waiting for the anti Christ to be born, it looks like a practical effect creature filmed and put into a computer to make it see through. One thing this movie really excels at is the various costumes and creatures in this movie, really the whole look and aesthetic of the movie overpowers the scattershot story, again this really reminds me of a “Heavy Metal” magazine comic strip. Its European, its erotic, its violent and it makes no sense.

So would I recommend this? Hell yes I will, this is one I wish more people watched and talked about. I’ve looked for more info on this movie and it was very bare bones when it came to finding info. The cast is all Spanish, there is supposedly a region 2 DVD out there with English overdubbed that was released, it isn’t streaming anywhere on any platform. Damn shame, this would be up Prime’s and/or Tubi’s dark, b movie alley.

This movie can’t make up its mind if its a weird S and M movie, a sci fi movie, a post apocalyptic movie, a horror movie etc. Its all those god dammit!!! “Baron Against the Demons” is a experience you won’t yet forget. Guaranteed, even if you hate it. So where do you experience…uh this thing on a physical plane? Well try here: In non existent.

But if you want to take a trip on the astral plane to experience it you can go here: https://www.bitchute.com/video/C0mTsBi4KZmD/

Your Welcome.

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White Noise Theater: You dim wit! You and your wife are so stupid you have “Shrunken Heads” (1994)

So what to say about this piece of visual white noise? Its a horror movie…about killer “Shrunken Heads”. Who would make such a movie you ask? Richard Elfman (director), Danny’s brother and Charles Band (producer) of Full Moon infamy of course. You think any major studio would touch a movie called “Shrunken Heads” about killer shrunken heads? Well they make shit like “Avatar” and “Captain Marvel” so its possible they would make something like this but it wouldn’t be executed the same way this was, that is weird and creepy. A gang of 30 year olds harass 12 year old boys and the gang leader’s girl looks like she is 12…uh yeah this movie is off to a rip roarin’ start.

The three boys are Tommy (Aeryk Egan), Freddy (Darris Love who has been in a whole bunch of stuff like “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”) and Billy (Bo Sharon) who sit around, read comic books and in Tommy’s case, work in his dad’s grocery store. The creepy adult gang called “the Vipers” picks on them and is led by Vinnie (A.J. Damato) whose 12 year old girlfriend Sally (Rebecca Herbst who you’ve seen in every 1990’s sitcom when one of the major characters needed a love interest for that episode) has a crush on Tommy, somebody actually her own age. The boys are also friends with a Haitian Voodoo priest who runs a comic book stand in their neighborhood, Mr. Sumatra (played by the late great Julius Harris who you’ve seen in everything). Tommy intent on getting revenge on Vinnie, kisses Sally and films his gang ripping off a car, he hands the tape over to the cops and the gang gets arrested. Vinnie gets away and goes to the local mob boss Moe (played by Meg Foster in male drag, love this actress, she is in so many low budget, B movies it isn’t even funny) to tell her and get money to bail out his buds. Moe also wants Vinnie to kidnap the boys, after getting out of prison the Vipers do just that but the boys get loose and steal bags of gambling slips to hand over to the cops, Moe orders Vinnie to kill them.

Yep kids get iced in this movie, this early in the movie you get an underage girl dating a 30 year old grease ball, a transgender mob leader and kids getting killed for gambling slips. Wooo. Damn but things are about to get hotter because Mr. Sumatra knows what really happened and he slips into the funeral home to get the murdered kid’s heads, he shrinks them and revives them with a voodoo ritual to get revenge. Each one has a different power, Tommy can shock people, Freddy can get people with a switch blade he carries in his mouth and Billy has vampire teeth that sucks people dry. Mr. Sumatra teaches them how to use their powers and did I mention these Shrunken Heads can fly? He then sends them out to get revenge.

They first practice on other criminals before moving up to the Viper gang and Moe. Sally still has the hots for Tommy and has a picture of him by her bed which later leads to some uh hum uncomfortable and laughable scenes. Whoever wrote this was a fucking genius…the person probably did too much coke and drank too much cheap vodka. Out this popped and the only person they could get to direct something this insane was Richard Elfman, who directed the awesome disasterpiece “Forbidden Zone”, then he gets his brother, Danny Elfman, who did music for Tim Burton’s “Batman” and was the lead singer of Oingo Boingo to do the music for his movie, and not only that the Oingo Boingo song “No One Lives Forever” in the movie. They only spent a million (and it shows) on this thing, practicing nepotism, Richard puts his son Bodhi in as the Viper gang member, Booger and this was Full Moon’s first theatrical release since most of all of Band and company’s releases were straight to video or cable. I couldn’t find the box office take on this thing, I imagine it wasn’t that big of take.

I don’t want to spoil too much but the people who get killed by the “Shrunken Heads” become zombies who don’t kill and eat people, they pick up litter, clean graffiti off walls and help old ladies across the street. Yep this visual white noise is insane, some are gonna see this as a mess, this is damn beautiful mess son and I enjoyed every damn minute of it. I wasn’t bored like I was at Marvel’s “Endgame”, I kept looking down at my phone wondering when this bloated, overripe, CGI enhanced piece of shit was gonna end so I could go to the taco shop outside the mall. Flying, killer, “Shrunken Heads”, what more can you ask for?

Meg Foster as Moe above.

Meg Foster from “They Live”. Heh. Heh. Heh.

Anyways if you want to watch the Shrunken Heads of murdered children attack and kill gangsters go here: https://www.bitchute.com/video/Iblt2X3JUkW3/

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Visual White Noise Theater: This makes me “Furious”! (1984)

Visual white noise this is. Incoherent plot. Ridiculous fight scenes. Killer Chefs. A sorcerer that shoots chickens out of his fingers and turns unruly foot soldiers into chickens and then turns himself into a pig. A rip off Devo band. Exploding skeletons. Foam rubber dragons. WTF is this shit? When I am asking that question that means that I am having a good time.

I seriously have no idea how this thing was breathed into existence but I am glad that it was. Explanations escape me, at first I actually thought this movie was made this way because of a language barrier, kind of like “Miami Connection” or “Samurai Cop” and genius results inadvertently. Nope, two dudes with American names, Tim Everett and Tom Satori, wrote and directed it. Maybe large amounts of coke contributed to the nut house logic of this movie, hey it was 1984.

Simon, played by Simon Rhee a real life martial arts expert, finds out his sister Kim Lee, played by Arlene Montano, former Miss Philippines, was murdered by some thugs when she tries to retrieve some magic box, the thugs take a small tusk from her that gives directions to the magic box. Simon visits his sensei in some huge, glass corporate building, the sensei is floating off the ground in a lotus position and sends Simon out to find the killers of his sister. The sensei, Master Chan, is played by Simon’s real life brother Philip Rhee. From there you get talking Buddhas, Chinese restaurants where shirtless men juggle swords, waiters with weird masks, close ups of old women eating chicken (fucking disgusting by the way) etc.

Another thing, Simon seems to live in a hut where kids outside practice martial arts, the whole time I was watching this I was asking myself, what are those kids doing there? How did they get there? Does he teach martial arts? Were they orphans who had no place to go? Or even worse was Simon some type of creep? The questions don’t get answered, the kids are there and at one point they participate in beating up the Devo band wannabes outside the glass structure, this Simon guy doesn’t care that he is putting youths in danger. Speaking of the glass building, it looks like one of those structures that house lawyers upstairs and realtors downstairs. Maybe one of the film people’s brother’s friend of a friend worked there and they got permission to film there. You’ll be asking a lot of questions and they won’t get answered, failed martial arts students turned into chickens and served at a restaurant (Is it cannibalism if they were once humans?), battles in the astral plane and maniacs in Russian fur hats. Confusing, isn’t it?

“Furious” might make you furious, especially if your fans of movies like “The Avengers” and “The Fast and Furious” (see what I did there?) it might make you mad anyways. Its as if the filmmakers threw a bunch of ideas at the wall and whatever stuck they threw into the movie. “We’ll have a battle on the astral plane! Yeah thats it, that’ll hook em’! That band, those weird guys with the pyramid hats, glasses and jump suits, Devo, we’ll make bad guys that look like them and play in a band in the middle of the movie! We’ll have people turn into chickens! We’ll have karate! We’ll make millions, baby, millions!” (snort, snort, snort) Bet you that is how it went down too.

Apparently the Rhee brothers were stunt coordinators on this film and some of the people fighting in this movie are their students. I am not gonna deceive you, “Furious” is a cluster fuck of visual white noise, it might overwhelm you with its all encompassing power. Your jaw will drop to the fucking floor, lets hear it for “Furious”!

                               

So you are asking yourself, where the hell do I view this 73 minute disaster piece? Well your in luck you can see it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-27-vo-Hxfk

And if you aren’t up for tuber’s hi jinx you can also see it here: https://tubitv.com/movies/470735/furious

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!!!

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Website Spotlight: Kindertrauma

As a kid do you remember those times when a movie or TV show scared the ever living shit out of you and the trauma stayed with you into adulthood? Then you were so traumatized you forgot the name of the movie, saw a clip in passing or snuck down the hall or stairs while your parents were watching something a kid shouldn’t? Then “Kindertrauma” is for you! And they’ll help you find that traumatizing piece of media. Love this site, it deals in visual white noise, the kind I like. The kind that scared us as kids. Of course something that scared you as a kid might not even effect you the same as a grown up. You almost feel let down after finding the piece of media you were looking for, and you say to yourself “Man I was a fucking pussy, this scared me?” Sometimes that realization will ruin your day or even worse, your year. Of course sometimes if you find what you are looking for you may get re traumatized. This site is a lot of fun, its site you must  check out. They’ll sometimes post random stills and have you guess what movie it is. They have reviews and various people writing about their memories of being traumatized by a TV show or movie and if you can’t remember the name of something you can submit a question and they will try to help you out if your request is valid. So get trauma, Kindertrauma here:

https://www.kindertrauma.com/

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White Noise on Paper: WTF is “The Psychotronic Video Guide”?

That is the question your probably asking, well let Mike clue you in on what that means from his foreword: “There are alphabetical reviews here of more than 3000 features (and select TV shows on video) that are considered Psychotronic. That means horror, science fiction, fantasy and exploitation movies. These are releases that used to be called “B” features and were popular in inner city grindhouses, at drive-ins, and on local late-night TV. These days, you can see many of them at any time of the day on cable TV or whenever you want to on video. It doesn’t matter when or where they were made, whether they’re “good” or not, whether they cost a few thousand dollars or over $100 million. They can be barely released obscurities, acknowledged cult items, or over-hyped and over-merchandised household names. And unlike other movie guides, nothing is omitted because its in bad taste. All of this stuff is out there. You should know about it.” And your gonna know a lot after perusing this book, hell, this giant cinder block! You can throw it at somebody’s head and put them in the hospital, you can use it as a door stop, or throw it through a window. You can read it from beginning to end if, you get to the end before dying of old age or peruse it at your leisure. And if your a fan of crazy films this book is a must have, all joking aside.

I did a few shitty scans to try to show you what your in for if you purchase this book. A fellow cult movie lover told me the first book, “The Psychotronic Film Guide” is the Old Testament and “The Psychotronic Video Guide” is the New Testament. In my opinion, I reviewed the video guide first because its bigger and will give you more bang for your buck, of course most of the movies reviewed in the first book are left out of the video guide. The film guide is a slimmer book but it still is big. This book is how I found out about “Black Devil Doll From Hell”, not the shitty 2000’s remake, but the 1984 shot on video monstrosity, a nasty, mean, dirty abortion of a “movie” that introduced me to the whole “SOV” i.e. “Shot on Video” movie genre thing that opened me to a whole new world of insane good bad. As stated in the foreword the titles are listed alphabetically so if your looking for something you’ll find it fast, each title has the year the movie was released, the director, the screen writer, editor, main actor or actresses, cinematographer, music and the producer, and a small capsule explaining the movie and Weldon’s take on it, Weldon’s short takes are witty and sometimes downright hilarious. I kept a pen by my side to mark movies I might find interesting, Mike will also go into depth about the release details of the “video” and he will talk about “tape”, for you younger noise addicts you won’t know what he means, the good thing is most of the titles talked about in this book are available in some format, that could be the original tape if your looking on ebay, sometimes a download or torrent off certain “uh hmm” sites, a DVD R from an online company that specializes in hard to find movies, and fly by night operators or small film companies releasing this stuff to actual DVD and/or Blu Ray. 

No color pictures kids, it isn’t a “picture book” go elsewhere for that, there is some black and white stills as well as poster art scattered through the book. Of course most of these “guides”, “encyclopedias”, and “reference” books have become obsolete with the advent of the internet and search engines. However I am one of those old codgers that prefers a book that he can flip through, and don’t get me wrong books are still put out but their starting to get few and far between. When there is web sites and blogs listing little known content which pertains to movies, music, books and art, who needs a huge ass book that takes up space? I fucking do and I will continue to prefer physical media to digital media on some server or cloud.  All in all this is something you can leave on the back of your toilet and you will never get bored, just keep a pen handy. I know leafing through this thing I’d happen on an interesting movie and try to commit the name to memory, problem is most of the time I would forget the name and get pissed off. Another cool feature of this book is the grey genre capsules where Michael will explain a genre of a movie and what to look for.

Michael started the “Psychotronic Video” zine in 1980, zines were pretty much physical blogs put to print, made cheaply xeroxed and stapled together. I am gonna review more zines later on. He got the name from the movie “Psychotronic Man” which I will have to track down. Weldon also interviewed various actors, directors and other people in the cult film business for his zine aside from the reviews. He had guest reviewers in his magazine which covered music, other zines and comics. He folded “Psychotronic” in 2006 citing increasing printing costs, and increasingly underhanded behavior from distributors, he said it was impossible to put out a self published zine in the 2000’s, he said it was hard enough in the 1980’s and 1990’s, the heyday of the zine. All in all he released 41 issues, some of which I used to see in Barnes n’ Nobles as a teenager next to the defunct magazine “Film Threat”. I remember buying a copy because when I opened it and started reading it I  was automatically enthralled. In the process of growing up and numerous moves I lost those issues but remembered the name, which is how I found out about the “Psychotronic Video Guide” and the first book, the “Movie Guide”. Michael doesn’t have a web site nor is he interested in writing anymore books, zines or articles, he runs a small shop in Augusta, Georgia named “Psychotronic” that sells posters and collectibles. More power to him, so if your able to get a copy, I will review the first book in the future. I reviewed this one because it is more interesting and fatter. Happy hunting, noise addicts.

There are copies on amazon, as I am writing this, the cheapest one is around 30 bucks, I only paid 20 for mine, not trying to rub it in, well I guess I am kinda rubbing it a little in: https://www.amazon.com/Psychotronic-Video-Guide-Film/dp/0312131496

 

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Visual White Noise Theater: Rated “PG: Psycho Goreman”.

Kids, I am really fucking sick of CGI over saturation, if you comb through my posts one thing that disqualifies a movie in my mind forbeing awesome visual white noise is over reliance on CGI when it should be a tool. That is why I don’t like a majority of super hero movies, it becomes too much and I can tell its fake. Now I know I sound like that crazy old man that lives down the street, yells at you for throwing your baseball by accident in my yard and curses at the clouds. I don’t care, yeah I am old and will continue to have mostly old man tastes. I am damn sick of movies that have no punch and have stupid fucking ridiculous CGI monster battles at the end. I will pick a SOV (Shot on Video) movie like “Black Devil Doll from Hell” anytime over CGI saturated Marvel shit like “End Game”. So whenever I hear that somebody is doing a movie with mainly practical effects I get rock hard and jizz in my jeans. “PG: Psycho Goreman” made me sticky down stairs.

Every kid’s dream is to be able to command a killer alien, which is pretty much the basis of the movie. Psycho Goreman is exiled to earth by a council of aliens because he destroys whole populations and planets. Two kids find PG’s gem which makes kids the master of him, when the council finds out he is awake they want him dead. Pretty cut and dried, and all those aliens are made by hands not on a fucking computer. Latex, rubber, red corn syrup, animal entrails. Burn baby burn.

“PG: Psycho Goreman” has kid actors in it, of course that will turn off a lot of my followers since most kid actors can be fucking annoying and ruin a movie. In my opinion these kids don’t, the girl who plays Mimi (Nita-Josee Hanna) is “freakin” hilarious (watch the movie you’ll get the “freakin” part). How I found out about this movie was I was a huge fan of the film collective “Astron 6” their special effects expert on their short and feature length films was a man by the name of Steve Kostanski, whose previous special effects work was on the  the great “Manborg” (director also), “Father’s Day”(director also), “The Editor”, the awesome, Lovecraftian “Void” (director also) and “Leprechaun Returns”(director also), granted all of his movies have a smattering of CGI but in almost all of his movies its mainly practical effects and in “PG: Psycho Goreman’s” case, as well as “Manborg’s”, stop motion. Anybody who uses stop motion these days goes in the gold book.

This movie is really fresh off the boat, it hasn’t even rotted yet and it doesn’t stink. As of today its a couple months old, truth be told I don’t know how to describe this movie, I’ll take a shot at it, its like a cross between 1990’s era “Power Rangers”, “E.T.”, “The Guyver” and one twisted Rob Zombie music video. This movie is just fun and while a lot of you will get really mad at the jokes and throw your cheap beer at your big screen TV, I was rolling all over the floor laughing. This movie made me happy, sometimes I want something that makes me think, be angry, be sad etc. Then there is movies like “PG: Psycho Goreman” that are just fun and stupid.

Take it from Steven in this interview with Mashable: “It’s mostly inspired by my experiences as a kid, I grew up in the video store, constantly going to rent movies with my family every weekend. There were a lot of scenarios where I would rent movies that were not suitable for kids, and so ‘PG’ is a bit of me working through some of those traumas.” Gotta love childhood trauma. So get traumatized and think me later.

To get hacked to pieces by alien god go here (and yes you have to pay for it, dammit, more visual white noise like this needs to be made): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwDGB214hM8

If you want to get physical like I prefer (and I will end up eating your soul) go here: https://www.amazon.com/Brooks-Alexis-Hancey-Nita-Josee-Hanna/dp/B08Q9VZRDV

The full mashable interview here: https://mashable.com/article/pg-psycho-goreman/

Update: “Psycho Goreman” is available in blu ray!!! Highly recommend going over to the distributor, Raven Banner, and picking up the limited edition sets of the movie, I got the one with the action figure and there is one with an O card here: https://ravenbanner.store/search?q=Psycho+Goreman